One of the perks of being Brooklyn’s most renowned niggerblogger is that I get to receive email from our brothers and sisters all over the world.
One of the perks of being Brooklyn’s most renowned niggerblogger is that I get to receive email from our brothers and sisters all over the world. Many of these messages contain lucrative financial offers from darker regions such as The Ivory Coast and Nigeria, though my most cherished correspondence derives from that land of mullets and Jordache, Eastern Europe.
I could read these particular emails all day long – It’s like having a hundred Soviet penpals you don’t have to write back to or share your surplus of toilet paper with. Today though, I’d like to share my correspondence with one very special lady, Miss Basia M from Warsaw, Poland.
Astute Reader Basia M writes:
from Basia M.
to blogngr@gmail.com
date Thu, Oct 16, 2008 at 1:35 PM
subject ASK BN
Dear BN,
First let me just tell you, I love your blog. You`re me, if I was a man, could write a decent piece, and lived in NYC:).
Secondly, please keep me anonymous, if you would ever consider writing me back an answer.
I`m writing about a problem I have. It`s fairly recent, so I might be just too hysterical about it right now, but it`s a big deal to me.
I just got news, that a guy i’ve had an on and off crush for 8 years ( 8 years!!!!!) is gay. I never went out with him, I kind of considered him “out of my league”, but not in this way. I have a few gay friends, and I thought I could spot a gay person, but this guy went and destroyed everything I belived in. I mean he doesn’t walk gay, talk gay , nothing. I mean, I must say , I’ve never seen him with a woman, but i haven’t seen him with a man either!And I’ve never been one of those women, who fall in love with openly gay guys , and think they can make them „cross over”, I think it`s total bullshit. Of course, when I found out, I just totally lost interest in him, but still….I’m worried.
To make matters worse, I found out he was gay by accident, and from his boyfriend’s side, with a „ he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s gay” seal on it. I know his closest friends have no clue whatsoever about this.
so here are my 2 questions:
1) Am I a fag lover? Can I still go out safely , and meet man, and be sure I’m barking up the right tree? Or has my mind gone all mushy , and I should take a Mad Cow Desease test???
2) What do I do? Do I tell him I know? Do I pretend I don’t know? Do I blackmail him about it? what?
Yours truly,
M
Dear Basia,
Thank you for having the courage to write to me. Please confirm, by perusal of the above, that your letter has arrived uncensored and intact.
Your letter contains so many points of interest, that for the first time on Street Carnage Presents Ask Blognigger, I’ll need to reply to your message in an inline fashion – what we Americans refer to as an AOL-style reply:
> You`re me, if I was a man, could write a decent piece, and lived in NYC:).
I’ll admit that when I first read this assertion, I assumed that you were making a casual exaggeration, as many readers who contact me state an identical claim; After reading your letter however, I’m convinced that you’ve understated the matter. There is within your prose a certain frailty, a depth of introspection, and a raw humanness that I recognize from within my own. Likewise, your search for the optimal path of resolution in this situation is indicative of a scorned perfectionist who will not accept second-best. Observing these qualities within your correspondence have persuaded me to conclude that in many ways, you truly are the Polish Blognigger.
> Secondly, please keep me anonymous, if you would ever consider writing me back an answer.
I never reveal the identities of those who come to me for assistance; in your case however, I hold the matter with even greater caution, if such a thing is possible. You see, I am not sure how such matters are handled in Eastern Europe, and I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m afraid that in the United States, there are very harsh de-facto social penalties reserved for those who even by accident, find themselves in the position you are now in.
Basia, I’m in a difficult spot here, trying to spare your feelings while still providing you with the honesty you’ve trusted me to supply. I’m sure you’ll understand that my role here obligates me to err on the side of candor: To be perfectly candid with you Basia, if you were an unmarried woman in the United States, and if anyone at all knew what you have just told me, you would have a very difficult time being able to find a man, or perhaps even maintaining your existing female friendships.
You wouldn’t be in any legal trouble, that’s for certain, but there is a great social stigma attached to those women who fall in love with gay men without realizing what they are. If your peers discovered the truth about your situation, you would be mocked by hateful terms such as “fagwhore” – or more commonly – “bearded fuckbitch.”
So listen, you’re in a tragic situation – and one that by no means can be considered fair – but I must ask you nonetheless: You say:
> I thought I could spot a gay person, but this guy went and destroyed everything I belived in. I mean he doesn’t walk gay, talk gay , nothing.
yet really, isn’t possible you’re simply making excuses at this point? If you’re honest with yourself, and with me – can you really assert that there wasn’t even the slightest lisp, bent spastic wrist, or “fruity glare?” – over a period of 8 years?? Are you sure that you’re not (and this would be completely natural and understandable from someone in your position!) trying to cover up your own lack of perception here?
I ask because really, it’s that lack of perception that is so frowned upon here in the United States. It’s thought here that a woman of real feminine qualities and heterosexuality should instinctively and accurately, without fail, be able to discern a man from an assqueer.
Again, I’m not looking to judge you unreasonably – I’m only being honest, and if it upsets you too much to bear, maybe it’s best if you stop reading now.
I don’t want to give you the impression that every American citizen would shun you – for instance, my group of friends is extremely open-minded and would have no problem sharing a cinema with you or even instant-messaging with you over a computer. It’s just that for the most part, it would be very difficult for you to exchange meaningful human contact with anyone who knew what you were.
> 1) Am I a fag lover?
YES. I am sorry, but again, I think that tough honesty is the best thing for you in this situation. If I have miscalculated and this is too much for you to bear, please close the email now.
Yes; YES Basia, sorry. (This is going to be good for you in the long run – see if you can get through it.) You are a FAG LOVER. You are a lover of fags. This is why your brain played tricks on you to hide this fag’s lisp and silly walk – your brain wanted you to love – to make FUCK on this fag, and thus it hid the obvious evidence right from your very eyes.
There’s no one to blame – Biologically speaking, this is just how it is inside the mind of a bearded fuckbitch – NOT that you necessarily are one, and I’m sorry to use the derogatory term, but I’m trying to desensitize you should you ever visit the United States and attempt to interact with any of the men here – in case they mistook you for one, or thought you were one – for really, the men here are quite good at sniffing out your kind. No offense intended – I think you do get the idea.
> 2) What do I do? Do I tell him I know? Do I pretend I don’t know? Do I blackmail him about it? what?
Listen, it was never my place to suggest something like this to you… but nonetheless I am glad you’ve brought it up of your own accord. Now that you’ve broached the subject, I feel less morally culpable for recommending what is clearly the optimal course of action for you in this situation.
Between us, my advice to you is to use blackmail in this case. It is an ugly thing, but could be used greatly to your advantage in this particular situation – in fact, it seems to me that such a course of action forms your one hope to reverse all the damage that has been done to you by this doodysweep.
Here’s what you can do:
Do whatever you can to get into a private situation with teh gay. Lie, feign danger – whatever – it’s all justified because this is now basically a life and death situation. When you are absolutely certain it is just the two of you, make it perfectly clear to him that he has two choices – he can forget about this other “life” with this “boyfriend” etc, or he can face being outed to his friends and family as a homo.
Tell him that unless he starts to develop a relationship with you, with the ultimate goal of settling down and having children like a fucking normal man (excuse my language but I’m really getting pissed) – then he can just try living as someone who EVERYONE – his parents, friends, grandparents, minister – know is a veintool expert.
It is absolutely certain that if you do your job and position this right, he will eventually agree – he has no choice! What would YOU do if you were in his pointy queershoes?
At first, he will clearly be resentful – there’s no question about that. But after he faces reality and begins to date you – say after the first few dates – he’ll start to realize what you’ve done for him. NO ONE will know about HIM, and more importantly, no one will know about YOU. This is why so-called blackmail is the only possible path – it sounds evil on it’s face, yes, but it’s just a temporarily sick means to a healthy end.
Finally, once you are settled down with him and trying to have children, be normal, etc – I recommend two courses of therapy AS LONG AS you can keep them secret. Exodus camp, here in the US, has a proven record of saving people from lives plagued by homosexuality. If all else fails, he can turn to Hetracil – a powerful drug that allays the effects of Behavioral Effeminacy. Keep in mind that Hetracil can be extremely expensive, and that American pharmaceutical companies will unilaterally scoff at your fruity European Union “National” Health Insurance.
There – you know what to do – DO IT.
PLEASE keep in touch with me and let me know how the situation unfolds. Again, I feel an inexplicable closeness to you like I’m talking to a Polish version of myself. Do not tarnish the Blognigger name – take the reins, take action, and take back your life.
Love you Basia-
best of luck…
American Blognigger
Hetracil? Seriously?
yes, it has a website and everything so it must be real…
heheheheh
blognigger is very bright i believe hell do well in the witemans world
blognigger scores again! best shit on here.
blognigger do you really think homosexuality is something that can be cured? with therapy? or medication? that it could just go away.
If someone is a homo, they are homo and there is no changing that.
watson, are you being serious?
blognigger please stop posting on streetcarnage. look at the audience in this fuckwhole.
it’s true watson… you are an incredible shitheel.
Please keep posing here blognigger… we do love you, it’s just that everyone is obsessed with gavin’s talentless political thread.
dont hold us accountable for our village idiot.
So gay hate was the culprit!
this was extremely boring
Looks like one of BN’s most unpopular appearances on streetcarnage.
good you don’t like blognigger? kick him off your hasbeen site! all this shit goes over your retarded white trash heads!
im so glad blognigger finally hit you with his highbrow genius. you so don’t deserve bn you idiots. gavin please comment!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo please don’t stop posting here BN. Don’t listen to the haters – this post was absolute genius and some of us get it – we’re not all retarded Vice readers.
The writing is epic – plus you’re like a black borat in this bit and it just shows your insane range and power. Get back to the jackoff whore dickhumor next week – or don’t, up to you.
just don’t listen to these fags and please stick around.
Blognigger seems smart and confident enough that he doesn’t need some faggot rushing to his Mandingo-warrior hero’s defense.
“gavin please comment!”
Please eat a bowl of dicks. No sauce.
How do you even know he’s black?
Listen, I LOVE blognigger and I LIKE streetcarnage a lot, but I have to say that I don’t think the two are a match made in heaven. I was waiting to see when exactly this would occur…
BN has definitely been “dumbing down” his SC posts for this audience – i.e. only putting in the ones about sex / whores / asian switch / pedos etc… I was wondering what would happen when he decided to put a “real” BN post – ie one with higher intellectual power on SC, which no offense – SC is funny as hell – but it doesn’t *primarily* have an audience who appreciates this kind of smart humor.
So, it’s really up to BN – if he feels like cranking out more porno jackoff humor, he should put it up here on SC on wednesdays. However, I don’t think that for the most part, this kind of intellectual humor will fly on SC (btw, I agree that this was one of the funniest BN posts ever – just not right for this audience.)
shalom cunts.
Awesome, just awesome, on so many levels.
“excuse my language but I’m really getting pissed” Baaa hahahahaha
“How do you even know he’s black?” – Shmoopy.
You know, after reading the BN website post which linked me here, i asked the same question. Imagine if blognigger was actually the whitey on the top banner with the girl around his neck! It would be a clever ruse depictive of BN!
i appreciate the way in which he informs the beardwitch she’s a fuckin’ useless cunt straight to her face, but innaa meaninful emphatic and heartfelt way- sheer genius he is
by the way, it’s not an actual beardwitch that wrote him- blognigger does need any losers such as yourselves writing him, nor for anything else for that matter; He’s BLOGNIGGER thats why.
of course smarty know nothings would hope he wasnt black, because youre all fuckin stupid dumbshits who’d like nothing better than to hav someone be totally original….. just as long as it’s not a black person this time
i knew a polish bitch named basia in grade school. she could do twenty seven pull-ups in a row. it was terrifying.
haha. jesus…..I probably shouldn’t have quick read the article. i’m a retard.
so to you guys this is smart humor
I thought it was quite painfully obvious from the start, not nearly as funny as some of his other stuff
perhaps I am simply more indulgent towards stupid poles than towards stupid americans, but I think BN hits the mark better when he tackles stupidity that shares the same culture as him
I assume Street Carnage pays BN? AKA don’t expect him to stop posting here, unless you wanna turn clicking his google ads into your new fulltime job.
ak
so if this isn’t smart humor, what is? just for the purposes of categorization: what would you consider smart humor if not this post?
I don’t know I’d have to think of an example
I’m just saying this didn’t seem all that smart to me. Usually I think BN is actually quite smart and funny, I just thought this piece was rather weak and predictable and therefore not very funny or smart. to me smart humor should be surprising and unexpected and at the same time say something interesting about the subject it is adressing. everybody knows that russians and poles are homophobic while being clinically unable to identify a gay man if he went all george michael on them, so yeah. not new, not surprising and very patronising for not enough cause.
sorry if I can’t make myself any clearer, english is not my native tongue (no I am not polish either)