Over the past few months I have become friends with a girl, which I was all for because I don’t have that many close girl friends where I live. Like most dumb girls, we complain about our issues with boys. She kept asking me about a shared acquaintance we had, and I had told her that he was creepy, but probably harmless and most likely his creepiness was just social awkwardness.
Over the past few months I have become friends with a girl, which I was all for because I don’t have that many close girl friends where I live. Like most dumb girls, we complain about our issues with boys. She kept asking me about a shared acquaintance we had, and I had told her that he was creepy, but probably harmless and most likely his creepiness was just social awkwardness. Well, my friend had just gotten out of a three-year, long-distance relationship, and I guess she started hanging out with creepy guy to fill that void. I thought it was weird, but I didn’t stop her.
Then, I noticed something was weird about her after she had told me they went to a party together alone. I didn’t ask her to divulge anything, but a few days later she admitted to me that he date-raped her. For a new friendship, this information was a lot to handle. I took it really badly, and I guess I felt guilty.
Either way I told her that she needed to stop seeing him. She didn’t, and she would continue to complain to me about him over the next few weeks. She said she didn’t like his personality, that she wasn’t attracted to him, that he was manipulative, that he was in a long-distance, open relationship, but sometimes he would say nice things to her. From everything she told me, it sounded like they were at the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship. I advised her to stop seeing him and she completely agreed with me and told me she would.
Well, she didn’t stop seeing him. One drunken night I basically told her I didn’t want to hear about him anymore, which was true, and following that, the last thing she told me about him for a while was that she was cutting off contact with him. I basically told her I didn’t believe her, but I didn’t really care anymore.
Well things really haven’t changed, besides the fact that she talks about him less, but from the little she has said, they are basically fuckbuddies. I feel like I am being really judgmental, but I can’t help but think that there is something wrong with this. I have already told her how I feel in the past, and obviously what I say won’t matter.
Is it possible that this creepy asshole could have reformed himself in less than three months and is now capable of not hurting my friend? Should I just forget everything she told me before? I have never had a casual sex partner, but I have been accepting of my other friends’ relationships that had been open and solely physical. Being so inexperienced even with regular relationships, I don’t have the best insight. For a while I felt like I really didn’t care, but it still bothers me. How do I handle this situation?
-GIRLFRIEND
Dear Girlfriend,
I understand how you feel. It seems like you care so much for your friend that you’re actually starting to resent her. Maybe you’re even resenting her because you might love her more than she loves herself, which is hard.
The thing about relationships (the one between her and the creepy guy) is that, as the third party, we never REALLY know what’s going on behind closed doors. She chose to tell you all this stuff that is essentially making you hate this dude, but for whatever reason, she’s not done with him. You can hate and disagree with it all you want, but that’s about it. If it’s becoming unsafe for you as a person, then it is your responsibility to pull away.
My friend was dating this guy for three years, and I HATED him and hated everything he was doing to her, but at the end of the day, it was her relationship and not mine, and she was responsible for her actions, not me. I had to respect the path she was on and in time, it did end — not when I wanted it to, but when she was ready. That had to happen with no interference from me whatsoever. My anger about it was my path to walk through, and I had to question why HER relationship bothered ME so much. Maybe it mirrored something so familiar that it was hard for me to look at?
Another thing that bothered me about this friend was that when we would hang out, she would obsessively talk about him. That was boring. So we didn’t hang out as much. If anything, maybe that helped her process of breaking up with him, because if I had chosen to sit around and listen to her whine all the time, I’d be enabling the behavior in a way and co-signing her victimization.
You can’t break them up, but you can break up your own pattern of control and care taking. Unfortunately abusive, ugly, dangerous behavior is something we can all become addicted to. I don’t know why. Some of us are not as strong as others, and usually it has to do with something very deep and ancient inside us that we are reenacting. Try to have compassion for your friend. Pray for her like you would a sick person who needs help (if you can deal with doing that). The universe will sort it out on its own clock, not ours, regardless of how hard we try. So maybe the idea is … stop trying.
Good luck,
-LESLEY
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to SBTVC@StreetCarnage.com
Trust me , the social awkwardness stems for the fact that you are creepy. It’s whole chicken and egg kinda thing.
I have to admit I am fascinated by stuff like this. I guess as a guy I miss out on it because I don’t read romance novels. good advice given. human action, not human planning
You actually think he date-raped her? If he did, he’s a piece of shit that needs to be dealt with. But she’s still fucking him? That means if it’s true, she’s a psycho. If it’s not true, she’s trying to create drama so she is the center of your attention, and she’s a psycho. Cut her out of your life.
Actually, if there’s anyone in your life that creates enough shit to make you write to Barf about it, they are too dramatic, and need to be ex’d.
Blame her Dad, and don’t begrudge her rape fantasies you fucking busybody.
Barf finds the creepy social akward dudes attractive. Didnt she wrote about that here.
Ask Barf is the best advice column ever. No jokes.
ughh i totally feel this girl. it’s so frustrating.
I agree with Barf on this one but would just like to add some complementary ideas to her point.
After countless minute of google research I realized that all women have rape fantasys. And there’s the possibility that underneath all of that wierdness you are secretly harboring feelings of jealousy towards this girl for having an experience that you can’t relate to because you haven’t had the opportunity.
It was date rape. They went on a date first, it wasnt a total stranger.
And if a guy is willing to risk life in prison to sleep with you it’s kind of a compliment isn’t it?
So before you judge this girl for something you don’t understand why don’t you go out there and get date raped yourself and then you can discuss the subject with some accomplishment and authority instead of just impulsive judgments.
Free your mind and other stuff will follow.
^ Free your mind, and the rest will follow. Be color blind, don’t be so shallow!
I like Lesley.
thats what I dont get about girls. If some dude raped me, I wouldn’t hang out with him any more.
Someone please define “date rape”.
I remember this girl once who was talking about animals having sex, and she was like, “It’s rape, every time”… the first thing that came to my mind was, isn’t that true of humans too?
Blablabla making love our souls connecting sure keep telling yourselves that, but basically I disbelieve in the notion of women giving ‘consent’. At best she can consent to get raped.
WE ARE ANIMALS sex is messy and the man literally has to force his hard cock inside a vagina. sure you can whisper pretty words while you do it but at the end of the day gettin fucked is gettin fucked.
^um what the fuck are you talking about? this whole ‘literally has to force his hard cock inside a vagina’ thing…i mean, i don’t know where to start…there is this other kind of sex where both people are into it and there’s foreplay etc and there’s no need to force anything into anything–sheesh–don’t universalize your personal experiences, if that’s what your basing your understanding of sex on.
it bothers you, girlfriend, because she date-raped you emotionally and you keep going back to her. some part of you likes it, by god, it likes it.
like, duh.
i once got stood up and had to date-rape myself.
he probably didn’t even rape her. 99.9% of rape allegations are bullshit anyway.
yeah, my man barf! this shit should be called sbtvc and lesley arfin. she´s 1/3 of the blog nowadays. lesley needs a tv show, maybe something like oprah, I don´t know. seriously.
[If he actually date-raped her,] She’s probably damaged. [Either way] You’re almost certainly codependent. Don’t hang out with her anymore.
Next question.
@GIRLFRIEND
Can I get your friend’s phone #?
Why is my gut response when reading all of these always to root for the anonymous villain
Lesley DOES need a TV show.
1) A LOT of girls date their date-rapists. A sickening amount of the relationships you see started that way. Personally I think it’s for their own psychological well-being (they think). If they date him, it didn’t really happen to them, they didnt get raped. they just had a really bad first sex experience with their boyfriend. cause rape only happens to other people, especially date rape, cause that brings in broken trust issues when a “friend” does it. Then when the relationship ends, you finally accept what he did to you and date rape becomes the cherry on top of hating his guts.
2) Most people won’t admit they have terrible taste in the opposite gender until they’re old, bitter and lonely. Even though you SHOULD listen to the people that love you when you ask “why does my boyfriend beat me?” No one will listen until they’re ready to do it themselves.
(Girls are stupid)
yeah, i agree with jetpack to a certain degree. your friend has obviously low self worth and is trying to validate herself with this guy…i was just talking about a friend tonight who is now cheating on her boyfriend with a guy who’s date raped multiple people and i’ve warned her about him, but she still goes for it. it’s sickening and worrisome, but there’s no way to help them find a healthier way to ‘fill the void’…at this moment your friend’s after the easy instant gratification of filling in that loneliness by having sex with a dude (a shitty, shitty dude) and is living for his approval. it takes self awareness and a lot of strength to be willing to change and for now it seems she isn’t interested in taking any major steps towards finding contentment and validation on her own. sucks a lot, but codependency sucks too and getting dragged down with her issues by playing mother hen isn’t worth it. tons of other neat girls to be friends with.
putting the word “date” in front of “rape” is a lady’s we of saying – “Hey, it wasn’t really that bad.”
*WAY
I expected cynicism from the comments but damn, Barf. That was deep advice. Why the fuck is Dr. Phil so popular? He would’ve just told this person “It’s like putting a baby in a tube sock and beating it with a calculator…it ain’t gon’ add up!” And his mustache probably takes like pussy.
Sorry, what was I saying again?
I am way too high to have read the word “rape” over and over again like that.
Fuck.
what about date rap? that’s when you spit mad fire at your date over some freestyle beats
IF rape really occurred:
She is only staying with the guy because she wants to believe she wasn’t raped. It’s classic post-traumatic behavior for victims of rape, molestation and abuse.
She needs help, like now. I cannot possibly over-state that fact.
And somebody please beat the fuck out of that guy. If the story is true he’s a dangerous piece of garbage.
you shoud get your own barf blog, the advice is the best
My friend got date gang banged and my my dad has a bazooka.
Jimmy fucking Carter, you’re the man.