I have been in a great relationship for over a year now with a woman I love and adore, but who I find myself not really that attracted to anymore.
Photograph by /RAKE
I have been in a great relationship for over a year now with a woman I love and adore, but who I find myself not really that attracted to anymore. She’s amazing, but I tend to feel constrained by the relationship and feel like it’s time to move on — I’m just not sure whether it is or not. How do you tell when it’s time to move on, or what is worth keeping and letting go of? Is it time to spend some time apart or spend time with someone else?
Sincerely,
-SPRINGLE
Dear Springle,
I just spent the past three days writing and rewriting my response to you. It started with an analogy about an old couple and ended with a quote about love from Jonathan Franzen. Needless to say, I just completely tossed that fucker.
Here’s what I want to tell you: Whatever you decide to do is okay. You’re not a bad person for not being attracted to her anymore. I don’t know why these things happen. It might seem like the whole relationship was a waste if you choose to break up with her. It wasn’t. Just like the past 72 hours of trying to create perfect old people analogies and trying to sound literary by using Jonathan Franzen quotes weren’t wasted either. I needed to write and write in order to break it down to the simplest answer. Love isn’t in the poetry of our language. That’s romance. Love is ugly. It’s meat and potatoes. Love doesn’t mean “forever” because nothing does. Love is an action, and you’re either doing it right now or you’re not.
Seems like you still might be looking for the romance. Godspeed, my friend. Drink up all the romance you can while you’re still thirsty for it. Romance is a high. It actually gets you totally fucking wasted but know this: It always, always ends. If you’re lucky, love is the hangover. My advice to you: keep drinking.
Here’s to erasing entire paragraphs and rewriting the new ones.
xox
-LESLEY ARFIN
LesleyArfin.com
CafeconLesley.BlogSpot.com
Send “Ask Barf” letters / replies to AskBarf@StreetCarnage.com (include photos!)
And to Lesley’s second paragraph…the award for “BEST PARAGRAPH OF THE 2011″
Lesley is a fucking genius. Seriously starting a cult with Lesley as the guru.
good answer, but what else is new
great response.
also, the guy should read the book “the no asshole rule” because the rules apply to personal relationships too.
when should you fire (break up with) someone? the first time you think it might be a good idea to do so.
god, that’s the troot
Wait, you’re really a tuchus lacker?
dude, you’re heading for the breakup for sure. you might even regret it down the line, actually you probably will, but you’ll find someone else eventually. and you might break up with that person and then think about this chick again, but that’s life. there’s always uncertainty and insecurity.
some try to drink their hangover away, but it’s only gonna come back meaner and uglier. like all things, it’s best done in moderation.
Keep your time at home fresh. Get a Mexican housekeeper with big tits. Ole!
Right. Everything is process; everything is experiential.
great answer! too true
lesley arfin = smartypants.
damn. realest of talk.
Lesley has the emotional lady perspective which I guess seems correct here.
But you need to consider practical matters, too.
How is she constraining? Is it that you want to bang other chicks? Or is she blocking your dreams of going to med school? If she’s constraining your life or career or hobbies then you should break up immediately because that’s just a recipe for misery.
However, if she’s just constraining your sex life then you have to take a few more things into consideration.
Do you actually have other chicks you could bone but you aren’t because you’re seeing your lady? And by this I mean you actually had to tell another lady no when she tried to grab your dick. If that is the case then you’re doing ok. You could break up with her nicely and slide into another “rebound” relationship immediately. It gets tricky when you want to break up just because you think you have a lot of other options..
Many guys in relationships overestimate their potential game. This happens because when you are in a relationship, other women will find you attractive and talk to you for a bunch of reasons related to female psychology. However, as soon as you are actually single, you become much less interesting and possibly scary. If you’re young and hot this is less of a problem. If you are older and average, you could be in for a rude awakening when you actually become single.
In summary, I’m going to go against the trend and say that if you actually think the girl is “amazing” and can stand being around her, you should just stretch it out as long as possible until you have another woman lined up, unless she’s making the rest of your life miserable.
she got fat = time to go.
have a feeling there’s more going on, but if you disagree, or don’t want to deal with that, by all means move on.
I here provide all men** with a clear, weighted checklist:
A) Essential Inviolate Axiom: NO FATTIES: if an unpregnant girl gains more than 12 curve-enhancing pounds it indicates a variety of psychological maladies, all of which have zero to do with you: the problems go back to earliest childhood and are pretty much impossible to repair.
Now, on to the fungible dealmakers/breakers
1) Empathetic: = 35% — Understands and celebrates your unique and very male identity? Doesn’t have anti-male or other sudden anger issues?
2) Intelligent = 25% — Gets your wry drift without constant remedial explanations?
3) Blowjobs: = 25% — Can make you cum with a roar in 3 minutes, as she swallows and smacks her lips?
4) Bisexual: willing to play with other girls, and include you = 15% — broken down into — Will do it once or so = 2.5% for the memories. Remaining 12.5% is for when she’ll make it a lifelong habit.
Over 50%: meh, ok you guess.
Over 75%: c’mon, you‘re stayin and fine too.
Over 85%: who you kidding you’re lovin’ it and you‘d be an idiot to leave.
100% : Probably unsustainable at such a yeasty level, but if really real, well then there IS a G-d.
This is for long-term relationships. Reverse the order and percentages for short-term relationships.
STAY-HITCHED BONERUS POINT: Make some good steady money, you stoner, and buy her some nice shapely weighty C-cups!
**That’s right, MEN. ‘Gurls stay out of r klubhouse.’
.
I was in exactly the same situation four months ago and we both talked it over and decided to quit. Three weeks ago, I started to recognize my ‘error’ and fell madly in love with her again. I can tell you it’s not easy, but whatever happens: the separation put romance back into our love. Right now, for me, this very same person has to be the most gorgeous, smart and desirable person in the whole wide world so my advice: don’t use your head too much. Sometimes it’s good to make a leap of faith if you feel the need. Then you’ll probably have to walk by though the fires of hell until you think you’re about to lose your mind but I can assure you one thing: you’re gonna find out exactly if your partnership is really that special and if it is, your frozen heart will beat again for her, promise!
the mat
scene it all is a girl
Experience Is Experimental.
8===D
I don’t think I’m in love anymore.
this make my fucking day thanks!
weight the advantages and the disadvantages.
what made it work before? did somebody get fat or lazy?
too much time online? visit a sex store together.
No girl am I. I have broad hairy back, like a pelt. Hung like Percheron.
@ Ethnic Fairy, on the other hand, is a known female.
I’ve provided the readers of this thread with the boon of clear insight into men’s real motives. Those who have ears, let them hear.
Any complaints with men’s motives, it ain’t my damn fault. Consult your operative deity.
I bet a tenner the Franzen quote you originaly used is from the op-ed commencement speech the times published last week. Good thing you tossed it; sap-city.
@muscles yup
Why does everyone fall over themselves over this chick. I don’t find her advice poignant, earth shattering, or brilliant, ever. Sorry.
Fact is, if you’re not physically attracted to her, even a bit, it’ll never work. Women are a bit different in this respect, but only in their late 20s and beyond. Before then, it’s hopeless if a woman’s not attracted to her mate either.
You’ll never be able to get past this issue. Isn’t how you feel about her the same as how you feel about your best friend, really? The reason we have best friends is cause we love everything about them, but we’re not attracted to them. If we were attracted to them, we’d just date them, gay, straight, whatever.
Barf’s right about one thing: the high you get at the start of a relationship or a crush never lasts. We all get excited about someone new, and the idea of discovering something new can be overwhelming. That feeling can easily get addictive. This is probably why people cheat.
If you’re really in live with the whole of this chick, you wouldn’t be worrying about your attraction to her. It wouldnt even matter, so you must be confused about what being in love really means.
Maybe I’m way off base here, but I reckon you should part ways in a friendly way, and try dating other people. If you’re lucky and she’s mature, you can still enjoy her friendship. I wouldn’t want to be with someone that doesn’t feel attracted to me anyway. What a fool she’d feel like if she knew that you felt that way but were afraid to say anything. I would. She’ll survive. Right now, you’re kinda lying to her.
Above all, don’t cheat. It’s low. If you’re gonna cheat, might as well be single. Why people cheat is beyond me. Just be single and fuck your brains out with as many people as you want without feeling guilty. Once you’re mature enough/experienced to have a better perspective on what being in a meaningful relationship is, you probably shouldn’t be in one. Good luck.
Good sex is pretty easy to find and you don’t have to invest a lot of time in order to find it cuz if you hook up with someone and it sucks, you just move on to the next person; however, someone you actually like being around on a regular basis is really rare and pretty hard to replace. What are the chances that the person you’re most compatible with is also the person you most enjoy sleeping with?
I would like to propose a new stable relationship paradigm to replace monogamy. Everybody gets their life partner that they stay with till death do you part, own joint property and raise a family with, etc.- but both partners are also entitled to one lover on the side that keeps that spice in life. This is different from a full-on open relationship in that you don’t just sleep with anybody anytime and expose each other to lots of health risks, but you can nonetheless change lovers at regular intervals.
Anyway, that would be a perfect love life as far as I’m concerned and would prevent piles of break-ups and divorces where people basically love each other but just need better/different sex.
^^^very reasonable suggestion — i’m guessing you’re male
Here’s the thing must be a guy because it is very difficult for a woman to find a guy who knows how to do some exceptional fucking and sucking. men are so lazy because they know there are plenty of women who put up with their mediocre humping while pretending it’s good in order to obtain a relationship. puke.
^^^ awesome and true.
real talk
that was great
“Many guys in relationships overestimate their potential game. This happens because when you are in a relationship, other women will find you attractive and talk to you for a bunch of reasons related to female psychology. However, as soon as you are actually single, you become much less interesting and possibly scary. If you’re young and hot this is less of a problem. If you are older and average, you could be in for a rude awakening when you actually become single.”
Terrifyingly true. Also a Lesley answer I thought was good – amazing!
@ Scene It All: I just learnt the word “fungible”. Cheers broseph.
jesus christ, this woman just gets better and better.
also our whole generation is completely screwed cos it seems like no one has the balls (or ovaries) to stick it out in a relationship any more.
fucking pansies.
we’re all going to be old and childless when the chinese invade.
Nah…I’ll stick with the
“Keep your time at home fresh. Get a Mexican housekeeper with big tits. Ole!”
@ here’s the thing
i know some people who have such an arrangement and it does work fine, but they’re older and have lived more. for the younger crowd i doubt it would work.
@Anonymous – I’m actually a girl and yeah, in general, I’d probably be opposed to my own suggestion, but unfortunately I find myself in the same predicament as the guy who wrote to Barf. I got a great guy but the thought of never having good sex again for the rest of my life is . . . ugh. If I’m honest, I’d never wanna share my man if he was a great lay.
^^ @Here’s the thing makes a good point. If one’s partner has skills, plus a good attitude, it would be difficult for a woman to share that. Why this is so probably depends on biology more so than social norms, though.
However, this probably works both ways.
Maybe most guys have a fantasy that their lover is one who also is capable of satisfying others sexually. OKAY? But what happens when you get that mental image stuck in your head of your girl, whom you ditched because you were bored, now running around town with some other guy? Boy, a good thing that you are mature.
Otherwise, jealousy feels like a terrible hangover. It is an emotion not to be experienced often because it can cause you to become sad, and therefore to stop taking good care of yourself. If this happens, you most likely will miss out on what you seem to crave most, more awesome sex with someone other than you.
Therefore, taking a break from a relationship could be seen as a referendum, not on sex, but on what one brings to the table, or is willing to bring to the table, emotionally.
Physically, it is different. Everybody is different when they’re naked.
Generally, though, no matter whether one’s assets are amazing, or standard, one’s breasts small, or huge, opportunity abounds for a deep human connection.
Think of tantra. Tantra offers the practice of pleasure without letting pleasure control our lives. Some days, are mundane, some days are amazing.
Generally, everyday is groovy. (Not withstanding wars, incurable diseases, ridiculously high prices for, like, everything.)
Really, only the boring get bored.
@DL: nailed it.
women be crazy bitches. you find one that’s not in denial/fantasyland/dramaworld, and she loves you back, hold on to that shit, dumb ass. that said, all relationships before 30 should be disposable.
Lesley, nailed it, but a couple of the comments are priceless.
I personally think he needs a break. Go out and fuck someone else, get the chance to miss her, really miss her. If this happens and it’s not an unhealthy relationship, you will know it is the right choice and you’ll go back.
Also, we’re not meant to “be” with every person we date. Some people are in our life to teach us something or to prove as instruments or bla bla bla. Not every break up has to be this dramatic close up and heartbreak hotel type scenario.
lesley,
the best.
thank you.
Do americans like these sort of feel-good-even-though-you-shouldn’t answers? it sounds like something i might write whilst drunk, 7 minutes before i read it to an AA meeting in an over expressive voice, repeating the key statements. Also, dump her and move on.
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