Dear Men Who Send Dick Shots to Women,
Women do not want to see your dick. They aren’t interested in your abs, and they don’t care how much weight you lost. Men get dumped for partying too much or cheating or being devoid of ambition.
Dear Men Who Send Dick Shots to Women,
Women do not want to see your dick. They aren’t interested in your abs, and they don’t care how much weight you lost. Men get dumped for partying too much or cheating or being devoid of ambition. “He was too fat” or “His chest was too hairy” has been used as an excuse to dump a guy approximately never. There have been instances of men getting dumped for having a small penis, but you’d need a microscope to find them. Women can make do with just about anything larger than an outie.
The myth of equality has done a tornado’s worth of damage across our great nation, but the assumption that women are as horny as men is ruining our lives—especially the lives of dumb, lonely, insecure guys.
You know what women masturbate to? The color orange. Or maybe a sunset. Or a nonexistent man in a suit taking her future children to the park. If you want to get a woman horny, send her a picture of you carrying a briefcase or maybe playing a guitar onstage. Biology is yucky to them. Seeing a pair of hairy balls bounce against sopping labia majora is an image only a man could love (and even then we’re repulsed after we’ve finished and see the video still rolling on our computer).
How are the sales of those Guys Gone Wild videos where frat dudes in wet T-shirts make out with each other? No such thing. Straight women are more likely to be turned on by naked women than by naked men. That’s how fucking hot they are.
Does anyone doubt for a second it’s the fags who keep wrenching Playgirl magazine out of bankruptcy? Can you even imagine a woman settling into her deckchair with a tall glass of lemonade and the latest issue of a glossy periodical featuring elegant photographs of men’s buns? The homosexuals are everything women pretend to be. Gays see men’s bodies the same way straight males see women. While walking with a gay neighbor the other day and ogling women on the street, I elbowed him and gave him a Ralph Kramden hummina-hummina-hummina about a particularly perky passerby. “I don’t know,” he replied. “She’s a little too booby/vagina-y for me and not penisy enough.” He also said, “If a guy doesn’t have it going on down there, I’m not interested. Actually, that’s all I’m interested in.” I love arguing with homos about the strange shapes they’ve been cursed to crave. “How can you love a bag?” I recently pleaded to Bruce LaBruce. He loves men so much he was barely able to answer such ridiculous blasphemy. “You obviously have no respect for the human form,” he said.
Yes, I do. I appreciate “the fairer sex,” as God calls them. I covet every facet of a woman. Her muffin top is an extra breast. The zit on her ass is a beauty mark. Her beef curtains are an orchid. Our unflappable libido is what got us all here. If women shared these traits, we’d have shoeless orphans running through the streets like stray dogs. Look at male and female strip clubs. While a gaggle of ladies scream and laugh at the naked man pretending to hump them, men sit alone and erect, quietly sipping beer and staring headlong into a woman’s anus.
After doing the “Are Women as Horny as Men” video, there was the inevitable backlash where women claimed they are constantly consumed with lust. Sure, there are blips in a gal’s history when she may request a penis shot from a guy she knows and likes. But this phase is very rare and occurs for about a week during a relationship’s zenith when a woman’s uterus is barking at its owner, “This guy’s The One. GET him!” Before the zenith it’s like getting a shot of a pig’s organs as you bite into a pork sandwich.
After the zenith it’s worse. Once a man’s swollen organ has pushed its way deep inside a woman’s body when she wasn’t really in the mood, his once-golden phallus becomes a telemarketer ringing her iPhone while she sits on the toilet trying to remove a stubborn tampon. And who wants a picture of that?
The secret to seducing a woman is to distract her instincts and convince her you’re not there for sex. You give her a back rub or massage her feet. You laugh at her jokes and talk about how enamored you are with her photography. You pretend you’re only interested in what’s “up here” and couldn’t care less what goes on “down there.” You lie through your teeth and tell her that getting your rocks off is only the icing on the cake—exactly the way it is with her.
The truth is that a man will do it with just about any female on the planet, regardless of species, any time of day. We only wish random female strangers were dying to see blurry JPEGs of our proud, cornstalk-sized boners to use as fodder while diddling their beans. We fantasize about a world where women shared our insatiable needs. What red-blooded European male hasn’t secretly prayed that a nymphomaniac maid who speaks zero English was going to enter his hotel room with dripping-wet inner thighs? The rational among us recognize this fantasy is reserved for Penthouse Forum and we keep it to ourselves. The idiots indulge.
Sincerely,
The Rest of Us
As told via telepathy to
-GAVIN McINNES
“a telemarketer ringing her iPhone while she sits on the toilet trying to remove a stubborn tampon. And who wants a picture of that?”
I want to see that
Umm I want dick pics
Gavin, I’m a 26 year old woman who was ogling your wang for a good minute before scrolling down to read the story. Balls are beautiful. Stop it with this shit, already.
Some good points. Please explain the mandingo phenom. Besides the obvious huge black cock thing of course. I’m thinking it’s guilt driven. Now’s the perfect time for a jew in therepy to chime in with some new age wisdom.
Hey Anonymous give me your email address and I’ll send you something
why are your dicks poking out like that? every time I go to a nude beach it seems like everyones dick is poking out like a limp little hot dog my dick just hangs like a wet rag what’s up?
SPOT. ON.
Every idiot on the planet should read this.
@inquiring mind
Judging by the icy snow, it’s probably very cold out. Scrotums contract in that kind of weather because they want to bring the balls closer to the body. The contracted sac comes forward a bit thereby tipping the dick forward or “out” as you put it.
yes I can see how that would be for this picture. But what about the nude beach? it’s hot enough to be naked. Also it’s doesn’t seem to be related to size. The only thing I can think of is maybe fat?
If this didn’t start with a picture of your dicks I never would have read it. Minus 10 for your argument. Also, next time a telemarketer calls I’m totally going to be like “EXCUSE ME this is a REALLY BAD TIME — I’m trying to pull out the very devil of a tampon!” I’m pretty sure they would never call me again.
this is an inaccurate generalization. I’ve dumped guys ’cause they don’t put out enough.
great work, i laughed out loud a few times.
@Mandingo checkout a book called Pimp by a man called Iceberg Slim, he explains the mandingo phenom perfectly.
Hilarious Gavin!
nar, you drew the wrong conclusion. women are as horny as men but pics don’t do it for a woman. they’d rather hear a guy describe in detail all the nasty things they’re going to do to her. it’s all in the words.
penises are just funny-looking until you’re about to get down and do it.
and i’ve left more than one guy for sucking in bed.
Great, now here comes all the women who yell, “NOT TRUE I WANNA FUCK ALL THE TIME IN FACT I’M FUCKING WHILE I TYPE THIS.”
I fucking loved this.
You both got a great new york dick!
Also–I have a friend who sends me dick pics that guys send to her, and I would send her the ones that I get. We don’t reciprocate with boobs or vaj, but dudes still send us dick pics thinking we diddle to them. WE DON’T
This is true 10X over.
this site is like the internet’s sweaty ballsack. bunch of sexually frustrated 13 year-olds boys and bitter 30 year-olds.
The picture kinda looks ‘shopped though. The outlines of Gavin’s thighs are just too crisp.
“Great, now here comes all the women who yell, “NOT TRUE I WANNA FUCK ALL THE TIME IN FACT I’M FUCKING WHILE I TYPE THIS.””
god forbid such a thing were true. much safer to think of us all pointing and going “ewww!”
guess what, boys. we want to fuck your best friend too. the difference is we can get them to do it and keep quiet about it afterwards. the promise of future pussy keeps lips sealed tight and breaks the strongest of bro-bonds.
if you’re not getting laid as much as you want, you’re likely ugly and/or poor
oh my god, that beautiful gold watch that gavin still has on is the icing on the boner cake.
Realest shit you ever wrote – period.
wish i still had the pic you sent me of your wang years ago gav. it’s massive.
British humorist Stephen Fry dared to state the obvious last year when he said to Attitude magazine, “If women liked sex as much as men, there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas,” then, before people could try to force singles clubs into his analogy he added, “Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking, ‘God, I’ve got to get my fucking rocks off.’”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1325299/Stephen-Fry-Women-dont-really-like-sex-What-know-ask-feminists.html
women don’t have to do that, nimrod. all a woman has to do is walk out her door, smile at a man and nod. voila, she’s getting laid.
men are so dense sometimes.
let me spell. it. out.
men and women both like to fuck. women still get flack for fucking too much/too many partners so they keep a lot of it on the downlow. men brag about it because they get positive reinforcement for doing so.
therefore, people think, if you don’t hear about it, it’s not happening.
not true.
@anonymous
jesus christ, thank you. do any of you even know any women? like, besides your mom? how can you expect women to fuck freely when 98% of the time they’d be ridiculed as a ‘std-ridden whore’ and whatever the fuck else? not to mention that women weren’t even ‘allowed’ to enjoy sex until like, five minutes ago. how is this not obvious?
gavin knows this (he may be a libertarian shit but there’s no way he’s that stupid), he’s just pandering to his base.
@anonymous: “men and women both like to fuck. women still get flack for fucking too much/too many partners so they keep a lot of it on the downlow. men brag about it because they get positive reinforcement for doing so.”
Exactly.
makes enough sense.
also, Stephen Fry is a fucking genius… the media storm caused by those comments was so vulgar. he’s 100% right…. and that freaked everyone out.
Much of this is spot on, tho. (@anon is totally right, women do get shut on for the sane stuff men get immortalized for). The dynamic of a new “crush”, and the “zing” feeling you get is what makes women wanna fuck. Women will stick it out, tho, cause they start to have the suit and briefcase fantasies. If those fantasies don’t become reality soon enough, you’re damn straight a woman will move on to a new crush and a new “zing” until that one either runs out or gets his shit together and actually does get a suit and briefcase. Believe that women do love the humping a whole when it’s all new. Just some women figure out it’s not always gonna feel that way and stick around cause they know it’s the wise thing to do, and others chase that new crush feeling forever and eventually turn into leather-skin tanning bed junkies that frequent bars with 22 years olds that will fuck them as a joke.
And I do enjoy looking at handsome winkies, but it doesn’t mean I want pictures of them sent to me via text or email. Ever.
Shit on for same stuff. Bah.
nice article. dick shots are often not called for.
on the other hand:
http://www.rentarasta.com/
The more important post would have been, “Who gives a fuck what women want, ever?”
^^only men who actually want to fuck them.
This is one of my favorite posts.
anonymous – “breaks the strongest of bro-bonds.” – what a nasty, stupid thing to say.
- great article.
i have dumped several men for having small cocks
It’s all that biological imperative shit. Chicks like to fuck the same dude, while dudes want to fuck every chick, hence why chicks don’t want dude pics and dudes crave as many chick pics as possible, just of different chicks, i.e. a dude in a relationship isn’t super interested in getting pic after pic of his lady after a certain amount of time. The sad and anonymous world of Craigslist Casual Encounters perfectly illustrates this very obvious truth. There are, of course, plenty of exceptions to the rule and they are awesome.
Guys like Gavin (postmodern know-it-all cavedads) repeat this idea, but it’s not quite right. The reality is most dudes don’t have wangs worth photographing. If you have typical deformed and mediocre junk, the photo is either gross or a LOL (or both.) Representative Senator Wiener dude didn’t even send a dong photo, it was more like a conceptual photo of the side of his boxer briefs. If you have a huge shlong, women are into the pix. They will sleep with you “just to see what it is like.” Abs and biceps stuff aren’t as important but if you’re at the beach or hot tub party a buff bro will beat out the dudes with manboobs unless the ladies already heard or can see (via speedo) that the tubby dude is packing.
I’m honestly not that horny of a man any more. What’s wrong with me? Must be these tight pants.
this fucking ironic, “the 1950s are where it’s AT for truth about gender” is getting old.
almost as old as gavin. ZING.
also, just because women aren’t wandering around public areas looking for anonymous sex like men are, doesn’t mean they aren’t equally horny. men tend to be piggier and kinkier in the sex that they’re willing to seek out, but ladies don’t fucking masturbate thinking about the color orange, or a dude taking their kids to the playground. they masturbate THINKING ABOUT FUCKING. like, uh, every human does?
In gr. 11 I literally saw Gavin in the upper foyer pull his whiteytighties as far out of his skin tight black jeans as possible (frontal self-wedgie) while drooling on himself in front of a girl. I assume this had something to do with coming on to her, later she ripped his phrenelum, I guess it worked.
Stared at the picture…skimmed the article..back to the picture
“You know what women masturbate to? The color orange. Or maybe a sunset. Or a nonexistent man in a suit taking her future children to the park.”
Bitch, I masturbate to hot people fucking. Sure, if you want to actually be in a relationship with a girl, sending her a shirtless picture of you should be at the bottom of your to-do list. But personally, I’d fuck a hot guy with a big cock even if it was all he had, provided I never had to speak to him again.
I think the reason Gavin feels this way is because he’s uncut & uncut dicks are way less aesthetically pleasing.
Yeah uncut dicks look like worms.
Nice gay slur worked in there, douche. It’s great to be reminded that morons still use that word. Everything else you had to say got lost for me. I must be a really stupid “fag.”
I just want to see more pics like this of normal hipster dudes non porny dongs. I miss Sweet Action magazine… where can i go.
man you have had that bad of a sex life?? Explains the I sound bitter thing
i have dumped several men for having small cocks
and i have dumped women for having small tits, your not real women if you dont have tits what jokes.