Did you guys catch the last round of Boner Killers? I recently had to write an article about my least favorite topic in the world to talk about: sex. I squirmed around it, so instead of writing

Did you guys catch the last round of Boner Killers? I recently had to write an article about my least favorite topic in the world to talk about: sex. I squirmed around it, so instead of writing about sex I decided to write about what makes me not want to do it and send it to you guys instead. Things that make my ovaries want to drown themselves in the East River. Let’s visit some of these universal sterilizers, shall we?
-

Octomom – I know it’s a doye but what was I supposed to do, NOT include it? I first saw this image when someone at work sent it to the entire staff at work. There was a collective bummer that spread through the office, but we’re all females so we could handle it. Everyone except my poor, innocent, boss (the only make in our office). He didn’t take it so well. He made some kind of anguished groaning noise that I’d never heard before, got up, and walked slowly toward the bathroom, probably to go flush his nads down the toilet. Poor guy’s junk was instantly rendered useless. I wonder how many couples she’s prevented from making rad babies because of this. Have you noticed she never wears shoes? Speaking of which…
-

Nimble footwear on men – Street Boners have been long-time proponents of the anti Uggs/Crocs/Water-Moccassin/Pussyshoes movement for some time now. They were bitching about socks with sandals years before this website popped up. It’s actually feminist to hate men with sandals because it shows we won’t tolerate abuse. We care about what’s on your feet.
-

Jeremy Piven – There’s no rhyme or reason to what makes us tingly for someone, but one thing I know for sure is that there are no tingles for the Pivs. I’m not picking on him because of his dumb crybaby Sushi scandal. I’ve hated his guts since his “Journey of a Lifetime” through India. It was so embarrassing the word embarrassing was embarrassed. Dude is awful. He plays himself on TV and has hair plugs.
-

Christian Audigier – This is the man (pictured center) responsible for creating a million-douche army of kittenless boners. I secretly hope he’ll someday pass me while I’m horking down some pizza at an outdoor cafe, so I can shit in his eyes when he walks by. He is the reason we’re forced to look at all those corny Diesel-dogs in rhinestone-encrusted Ed Hardy gear on a daily basis and he needs to be punished.
-

Two Girls One Cup – I personally love 2G1C because it represents just how advanced our culture has become. Raymond Kurzweil wrote a 500-page book called The Singularity Is Near about how human technology has increased at such an exponential rate since the industrial revolution that we are becoming one collective unit. The Internet is the great omnipotent force that brings us all together, and it is within this great vat of human equanimity that a disgusting, filthy, depraved pervert who likes Japanese shit porn can have something in common with a marine biology student at UCSC whose only dream is to one day swim with the dolphins: they’ve both seen Two Girls, One Cup.

-Aviva

Related posts:

1. BONER KILLERS
2. SAMBA HITLER BANNED – DOYE
3. BLACK METAL KILLERS