A close friend of mine just got dumped after a ten-year relationship. The first words that came out of my mouth after he told me were, “Fuck fives.” Getting over The One is a slow process that takes about four months per year you were together but there is one thing you can do to expedite the process: fuck.

A close friend of mine just got dumped after a ten-year relationship. The first words that came out of my mouth after he told me were, “Fuck fives.” Getting over The One is a slow process that takes about four months per year you were together but there is one thing you can do to expedite the process: fuck.

Here’s how.

1. CUM ALL OVER HER SLUT FACE
Now as a feminist who loves abusing women of all ratings (sorry, “loved” — I’m married now), it can feel like a contradiction to totally subjugate a woman you care about. The problem is, they fucking love it. So here’s what you do: After you completely goalie mask her face with cum until she looks like the air conditioning broke at the wax museum, you come to your senses and clean her off with empathetic gusto.

Ten seconds ago you were all, “You like that you fucking beautiful whore?” and now it’s, “Oh my Gawd! Who did this to my baby?” As you use your t-shirt to wipe her face clean, she’ll tell you about The Bad Man who was just here and you shake your head like you can’t believe you missed him, again.

SPECIAL TRICK: If you get cum in her eye, wrap your lips around the eyeball and squirt spit back and forth around it like an airtight car wash. Cum stings almost as much as getting dumped and if you don’t clean up after yourself, you may not be invited back.

2. GO UGLY EARLY
This recovery is about you, so don’t set yourself up for rejection by courting a ten. You want the kind of girl who will happily toss your salad and maybe even let you sit on her face. Alexa Chung ain’t havin’ it. Big Kimmy is.

I fucked a fattie in New Orleans once and was able to bust out four fucks that night and three the next morning. The last jizz that came out of my dick was two sad drips of foam. With Alexa I’d be lucky to bust one nut. Not sure why this is.

3. MAKE HER WATER YOUR PLANTS IN HIGH HEEL SHOES AND SHORT, WHITE SOCKS
Don’t lie on top of her with the lights off and hump her like your dad does your mom. Take your time and leave the lights on. Take her over to the closet and see what kind of footwear she’s got lying around. Find the highest heels she’s got and then walk her over to her sock drawer and make her pick out something short and sweet. Now make her put those on and take everything else off. If she takes too long, spank the bitch. Once she’s properly attired, have her walk around her apartment watering the plants. Watch her do it and beat off. Realizing what a pervert you are is a huge part of the recovery process.

SPECIAL TRICK: If you find you’re too wasted to get it up, bend her over and smell her ass. It triggers something in your inner pig that acts as a poor man’s Viagra.

4. CUT HER TITS OFF
Here’s a fun tip: Chubbies like to keep their t-shirt on during intercourse. That’s fine but you’d like to see some jugs, am I right? So find a pair of scissors, then grab a fistful of fabric over each tit and cut it off. Now she has two big holes in her shirt right where her tits are. Now fuck the bitch.

SPECIAL TRICK: Never, ever take panties off. Rip them off. Now stuff them in her mouth.

5. GAG HER
Sex toys are a crucial part of getting over your ex. You want revenge on the entire female population. This often means gagging her and tying her hands behind her back. It also means busting out various sex toys like the Hitachi Magic Wand (no girl can not orgasm from this thing) and the Pearl Rabbit. Every good Bad Man knows you have to make a girl cum before you can drag her through the mud. It shows you care.

SPECIAL TRICK: Women are disgusted by having a used dildo inside them. That means you have to keep the box and return it to said box after each use so it looks like you’re opening it up for the first time every time. Also, the Magic Wand has a lot of texture on the part that touches the cunt so, if she’s menstruating, you’re going to have to really scrub to get it clean again.

6. PLUG HER NOSE WHILE SHE BLOWS YOU
Face fucking a girl til she gags is a great time (especially when you use her ears as handles) but it can often lead to barf. You get just as much gagging abuse by suffocating her with a dick in the mouth and a plugged nose. I was stunned to see how many women enjoy this cruel prank. They truly are a shameless breed.

SPECIAL TRICK: Abusing a woman is a tricky game and you have to carefully gauge which “no” means “No!” and which one means “sort of.” It’s a good idea to picture yourself in court explaining the night to the judge and imagining what he’d think. You want to be right on the very edge of what’s acceptable. If you get an email the next day that says, “Thank you for raping me last night,” you know you took it exactly as far as it could go without stepping over the line. Good work.

7. MAKE HER SAY “I’M YOUR PROPERTY, (YOU)”
Making a woman say, “I’m your property, Gavin McInnes” was my trademark move for the better part of my fuck career. Women love to say it because they feel taken care of and you’re going to love hearing it. Actually, it’s so good you have to be careful because it might make you cum too soon.

SPECIAL TRICK: Speaking of cumming too soon, don’t let her touch your balls while fucking. That’s an Aladdin’s Lamp of premature ejaculation. And don’t look at her tits while you’re ramming her. If you see those suckers bobbing up and down, you’re going to blow your load instantly. If you feel like you’re going to cum too early, do the alphabet backwards in your head or imagine your dad naked being attacked by dogs. Careful of overusing that one though, it could have a Pavlovian side effect where you find yourself attracted to the idea of your dad nude being attacked by dogs.

8. DON’T EAT HER OUT
Women don’t really like to be eaten out on the first date. It’s too intimate. Besides, if you’re on a fuck bender you’re both probably drunk and she’s not in the right headspace to concentrate on such a weird feeling. Pussy eating is for the third or fourth fuck, so stick to the visual shit and the abuse.

9. PULL HER HAIR AND STICK YOUR FINGERS IN HER MOUTH
If someone pulls my hair my first reaction is to punch them in the face but women just seem to have stronger follicles in their scalp. When you’re fucking her from behind it’s good to grab a big clump and just kind of pull it back. This leaves her incapacitated and totally at your mercy which is what sex is all about in the first place.

Stuffing your fingers in her mouth like she’s some strange beast is another great way to dehumanize her and take both of you out of the realm of humanity and into the animal kingdom.

10. STAY OVER AND HAVE BREAKFAST
A lot of girls just want you to leave after but if she doesn’t, don’t. You need to make it clear that all this misogyny is really just a game you both enjoy and you actually respect her. Fucking the living shit out of a bitch is the same as going on a vacation with her and you guys now have a bond for life. Hang out. Make jokes. And the next time you see her be cool and tell her you can’t stop thinking about her ass.
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Step and repeat this process as often as possible with as many fives as possible and you will be over your ex in about half the time.

Happy Cunting!

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM.

-GAVIN McINNES

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