Europeans are scared shitless of New York City because they saw Taxi Driver and nobody told them Giuliani cleaned it up a long time ago. I wrote this survival guide for them.

Europeans are scared shitless of New York City because they saw Taxi Driver and nobody told them Giuliani cleaned it up a long time ago. I wrote this survival guide for them (specifically, for the UK site Platform)…

10 TIPS FOR SURVIVING A NEW YORK SUBWAY

“You wouldn’t survive one minute on a New York Subway,” is a damning, mean thing old school New Yorkers say to tourists to make them cry. I don’t know why they do this. It’s like they get off on NYC being the murder capital for so many years before Giuliani cleaned it up. The truth is you would survive a minute on our subway. Especially now that you have these 10 survival tips inside your life.
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1- HEADPHONES
Squinting to see the little L or R on you headphones takes too long. It also leaves you vulnerable to an attack. Instead of wasting your time with that shit, just fucking stick them in your ears. If they feel weird, switch ‘em around. No matter how slowly you do the switcheroo, it’s still faster than finding those tiny letters.
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2- FARTS
Letting out a human gas bomb on the train now carries the same penalties as a terrorist attack. However, holding in a fart can tie your stomach into cripplingly painful knots. Here’s the deal: If you haven’t already had your morning shit, you cannot fart no matter what. If you have had your morning shit, then it’s all about temperature. Let the fart go towards you anal lips and hold it right at the edge to gauge its temperature. Toots above body temperature are almost always toxic so: If it’s hot, let it rot. If it’s not, blow up the spot.
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3- BAD BREATH
As has been clearly stated on Street Carnage, really bad breath is just a facial fart. A fart is terrorism. New Yorkers have been complaining about this for centuries and things got so bad recently they installed breath detectors. If you feel like your mouth may be “blowing up the spot” as it were, push this button and breathe into the detector with all your might. If the train comes to a screeching halt, yo’ breath smell.
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4- BLACK PEOPLE
White people want to be friends with black people so bad they tend to stare at them longingly and eek out a sheepish grin every time they get some eye contact. Black people hate this more than racism (probably because it is racist). So, to avoid this gayness, pretend you hate black people’s guts. This will even out your obsequious tendencies and you’ll come out somewhere in the middle.
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5- GROPING
You will hear an announcement on the train that says, “A packed train is no excuse for sexual assault. If you feel something, say something.” If you feel like you don’t have the balls to say when someone is touching your cunt, go to the last car in the train. That’s the ladies-only car and at least if you get groped there, it’ll by somebody who knows what she’s doing.
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6- NO POT, NO ACID, NO RAP
Again, we laid this out on Street Carnage when the sign came out. This isn’t Warriors anymore, kiddies. You can’t smoke joints, especially the fucking blunts the kids are smoking today. You will fill up the entire car and some people have meetings to go to where they can’t be stoned. You also can’t drop acid on the train because when too many people do it, it’s on some One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest shit and getting you all out of the platform is like herding cats. And finally, you CANNOT listen to rap music. New Yorkers hate rap because of 9-11. Don’t ask them about it or they will punch you in the face.
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7- DON’T ASSAULT MTA WORKERS
I realize they are the laziest, stupidest, ugliest, boringest, least-qualified, meanest, rudest, most unenthusiastic city workers in the history of bureaucrats but you can’t assault them. It carries the same charges as kicking a police officer in the nuts which is enough prison time to make you kind of get into ass fucking.
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8- DON’T SIT IN A REALLY EMPTY SEAT
If there is an empty seat next to a bearded man who looks like a hangover, do not sit there. He has most likely shit his pants so hard, the poo took the path of least resistance and ended up surrounding his nuts like that 50s horror movie The Blob. Schizophrenics also pee themselves and have brutal B.O. because they’re too busy hearing voices to smell anything. That’s why there’s a bunch of places to sit near him. Now what are you going to do? You either sit there and inhale his odors or you look like an asshole getting up and moving (this also makes them mad by the way, which is something you do not want to do).
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9- ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T SIT DOWN
Unless the train is totally empty, it’s best just not to to sit down at all. It’s illegal to not give your seat to an old lady or a cripple so sitting down means constantly having to scope out the car for the weak and vulnerable which makes you feel like a cannibal.
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Goetz came out of prison a little over-reformed.
10- PACK HEAT
Mayoral candidate Bernard Goetz came up with a great way to deal with violence on the train: Blow their fucking heads off. It is perfectly legal to carry a gun anywhere in America so, when someone tries to assault you, pull it out and start shooting. If four bullets doesn’t do the trick, say something like, “You don’t look so bad, here’s another” and give him one in the guts. That will send a message to all the whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, and the sick, that you are the real rain that’s come to wash all the scum off the streets.

SIMULTANEOUSLY POSTED ON PLATFORM.

-GAVIN McINNES

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