About two decades ago a guy got horny for some random chick in a bar and then YOU came out of her cunt. How random is that? It’s randomonium.

About two decades ago a guy got horny for some random chick in a bar and then YOU came out of her cunt. How random is that? It’s randomonium. Who is this fucking old man in a bathrobe who gave you your DNA? Here’s 10 things that sketch you out about him.

1- HIS DICK
Let’s get this thing out of the way first. What the fuck is with your dad’s dick? It’s a cylinder. Is that what happens to your dick after you beat it off 16,000 times? I don’t want to have a weird Coke can hanging out of my pubes when I get old. Shit.

2- HE BEATS OFF
Ew, your dad beats his meat. When he’s sure he’s alone, he puts in some weird VHS tape that has a corny gangbang scene and he beats off. Does he cum in a tissue? Where does he put it? Ew, your dad cums in a tissue.

3- HE CRIED
I mean, it sucks that his parents died and you’re probably going to cry when he dies but that doesn’t make him crying any less weird. A big, salty, wet, tear crawled out of his wrinkly eyes and slid down his face into his beard. Your dad cried, dude. He sobbed. He was blubbering and your mom held him.

3- HE HAS DIARRHEA
After he eats a bad oyster, the defecation feels like Braveheart being disemboweled. Shit is ripped out of his ass into the bowl so hard, and he can feel it in his chest. Holy shit does your dad ever have diarrhea.
By the way, what is with that weird toothpastey shit smell he leaves in the bathroom after he’s done? Did a million dead Africans murder a rat in there using mints? Gross.

4- HE DRIVES MORE DRUNK THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
Even if he wanted to tell you about this he couldn’t because he doesn’t remember a thing. He stumbled to his car, fumbled with his keys, poured himself into the front seat and weaved his way home. He probably hit a dog, he MAY have hit a kid. We’ll never know. Your dad puts about seven lives in jeopardy every time he goes to a bar.

5- HE DOESN’T FUCK YOUR MOM ANYMORE
This is probably good news in your twisted, shitty books. They went down to once a month in their 30s but by the time 40 hit, it was barely once a year. Now it’s none. He’s still horny though. What does he do about it? See #2. That’s why #1 looks the way it does.

6- HE GOT IN SHIT FROM HIS BOSS
Someone bawled out your dad. They yelled. They said, “Jesus Fucking Christ -” then they put his name at the end. He just sat there and took it too because he knew he was wrong. He did blow that account. Weird. Someone tore your dad a new ass.

7- HE HAD A WEIRD ORGY SCENE
Back in the 70s, when everyone was digging free love, he had a thing with that family friend that you know really well (the mom bought you Electronic Battleship). They both did. Your mom Frenched that dude with the black hair and your dad felt Rhoda’s tits. They were super wasted and they never talked about it ever again but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It did.

8- HE SUCKED HIS MOTHER’S TITS
This isn’t so weird because he was only a baby but it went down so there’s no use denying it.

9- HE SOMETIMES ENVIES YOU
He pretends he doesn’t give a shit who Sleigh Bells are and he rolls his eyes every time you say “Like” but sometimes he looks at you guys and thinks, “I remember having enthusiasm for bullshit like that. Fuck. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I want is a six-pack. You could leave me alone in an abyss of blackness but if I wasn’t cold and I had a beer, I’d be happy. A chair? Yeah, I’d like to have a chair too but if there wasn’t one there, I wouldn’t care. I’d just sit on whatever the abyss calls ‘a floor.’ Look at these kids. They barely get hangovers. They fuck and do drugs and they don’t have a care in the world. What I would give to be them just for a day. I’d even be my daughter I don’t care. I’d have tits and wear tight jeans. What the fuck is the matter with me? Am I gay?”
Your dad thinks shit like that.

10- HE’S GOING TO DIE
You’ll be old enough to handle it and it’s not going to come out of nowhere but one day, he will be lying there, deceased. His face will be all wizened and empty looking and there will be no life left in it. And then, that’s it. Your dad’s dead. So you better get over all this other bullshit and love his ass off while you can because one day, there will be no dad and you’ll miss that stupid asshole.

-GAVIN MCINNES

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