I like rap as much as the next guy with a car that has a lot of bass and feels like an ass if he blares Band of Horses from the speakers. It’s a lot of fun.

I like rap as much as the next guy with a car that has a lot of bass and feels like an ass if he blares Band of Horses from the speakers. It’s a lot of fun. There’s also the thing with the bravado in the lyrics that makes you feel like a bad ass and, when you step out on to the street, some of it is still ringing in your ears, which makes you stare at the bike messenger that almost cut you off like, “Do you have any CLUE who you’re fucking with?” However, as was pointed out in this “Fuck the Police” post that gave NWA shit for being babies, there is a lot of gay shit about rap that kind of ruins it for the rest of us.

These things are…

1- RESPECT

Stop talking about being disrespected all the time. Who gives a shit if some stranger doesn’t respect you? Outside of your spouse and maybe, your children, it’s really none of your business if someone likes or admires you, which is basically what respect is. God. You sound like an only child.

Same goes with haters. When Maino bitches about “You don’t like me? Why hater?” he sounds like Jakob Lodwick quitting the internet because people were mean to him. Grow the fuck up. To even think about a group of people that “hate” you means you give a shit and that is right out of Junior High. Can you imagine a construction worker with 5 kids bitching about “haters”? No, you can’t. He’s too busy being an adult.

2- GETTING SPONTANEOUS TATTOOS

We’re not sure what’s “worst,” getting a butterfly on your face or needing people to tell you that’s a bit off and then covering it up. Not only did The Game cover it up he covered it up twice, once with LA and once with the fucking Chuck Taylor star. Dude, your face is pretty precious real estate as far as tattoos go, so you may want to run some designs past people before stepping into a cover-up orgy.

Also, I love my niggaz and hereby promise to never fuck any of them over, ever, but tattooing your buddy on your body is sub-gay. It’s stupid. What if Lil’ Wayne fucks your girlfriend or rips you off (he will)? What do you do now, you eponymous Baby?

3- DRESSING LIKE BRATZ

So you finally put away the Daffy Duck maternity wear and now you’re offering a skull sweatshirt with 250 fake diamonds glued to it? Dude, you’re 30. You’ve gone from dressing like a pregnant mom to doll clothes. Could you make it more obvious that you still live with your mother and never had a dad?

(From now on, nobody can brag unless they’re doing this or above)

4- FIGHTING IN GROUPS

Here’s what’s tough: Stepping into a fray when you are outnumbered and defending a stranger that doesn’t deserve the beating.

Being part of the mob that does that gross thing where they kick an unconscious guy in the head is just making another retard, and you already did that with your girlfriend.

5- SELLING CRACK TO YOUR NEIGHBORS

What is worse than Young Jeezy bragging about how everything he does is for his hood while cracked-out zombies rob their mothers to give him $20? Can you not sell pot to college kids or coke to Wall Street guys? The song should be, “Every time I do it I do it IN my hood” because the only thing he ever did “for” his hood was use it to buy jewelry.

6- TALKING ABOUT MONEY WHEN YOU’RE NOT RICH

Here’s a tip: if you don’t have enough to buy a house and put your kids through college one day, you should probably not change your name to “Cash” and brag about how rich you are. Stop talking about “getting that paper” and carrying a rubber band around ten grand when that’s basically the most money you will ever have. Schoolteachers have fucking 50 grand in the bank and they are not happy about it. You sound like an eleven-year-old talking about how huge his cock is.

7- LISTENING TO R&B

One of the worst things about the whole world is the shitty crooner ballads everyone listens to. Walk down the street in Palermo and you will hear love songs pouring out of teenager’s cars like everyone is best friends with my Nana. You can run all the way to Taiwan to get away from it but you’ll hear the exact same song only with weirder-sounding words. Britain, North America and maybe a pube of Germany has escaped this fate but you’re listening to Mary J Blige? She was literally Ed Bradley’s favorite “artist.” Grow down.

8- TALKING LIKE CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

What is with all the “If you will?” and “Things of this nature”? Stop saying someone would be “intrigued” to meet me. Who are you, an aristocrat 100 years ago? And where the fuck did “trifling” come from? Assuming it comes from “a trifle,” that shit is spoken by 1% of British whites and there’s nothing intellectual about a spoiled, inbred, English queer.

9- GRAFFITI

So, you made up an alias for yourself and you’re spray-painting it all over other people’s property? Great. Oh, you used etching cream and now that just-scraping-by restaurant owner has to spend $1,500 on replacement glass?

Fine. I get it. You’re you.

10- FUCKING MEN IN THE ASS AND LETTING THEM SUCK YOUR DICK

Not sure what dictionary you got “heterosexual” from but when a man, any man, puts his mouth around your penis, that is gay. There’s nothing wrong with it if you’re gay but you can’t posture all macho and homophobic afterwards like it didn’t happen because it just did.

Oh yeah, and when you’re talking to strippers and whores who are jerking you off and you say shit like, “You like those big old dicks don’t you? You like to suck those big beautiful dicks,” that too, is gay. I know you did it, by the way, because I was in the next booth.

Related posts:

1. CHILD, THINGS ARE GONNA GET EASIER
2. NINE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT TYLER PERRY AND ONE I NEVER WILL…
3. AS A COP I’VE SEEN THINGS THAT WOULD MAKE YOU CRAP A BOOK ON HOW TO PUKE
4. PLACES, PEOPLE, AND THINGS I WOULDN’T MIND SEEING HIT BY AN ASTEROID THIS YEAR
5. 10 THINGS THAT MAKE LIFE WORTH LIVING